I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
