I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I will die if light touches me.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
