3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
We smell like vodka and hangover
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
