so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
