You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize