loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
