i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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