no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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