He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Your mouth is God's brothel.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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