I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
