you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
