to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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