At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
