I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
they need to just BURY HIM!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
