sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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