i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
