she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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