Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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