My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
