My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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