He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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