woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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