God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
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