it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
