The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
