I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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