the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
