I cannot find my penis.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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