@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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