whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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