I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize