4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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