I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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