he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
This is my gift to your gina
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
