please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
