Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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