my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
