Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
