sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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