PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
