Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
