my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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