I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
