she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
