On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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