nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
In America we eat man semen.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
