i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize