No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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