I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
