apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
