My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize