eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
