Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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