here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
