I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize