The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
