I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
