i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
