Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
You can't special order awesome
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
