I didn't shave. On purpose
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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