My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
