What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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