Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
