I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
