walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize